I will be as brief as possible. Long story short:
By the age of 7 I could memorize a small book and recite it in front of class. At 8 I was doing advanced algebra. By 10 I started doing calculus and attending year 10 in school (Australia).
That was my last year in public school, I later went to an institute for gifted children.
Oh, and to top it off, I was a cute kid with A LOT of female attention.
Come 1991 (I was 11 years old)…..
A friend of mine who lived in a house not 3 streets away had Playboy and Hustler magazines. I didnt think much of them.
Well, one night we pass by (we were on our bicycles) a group of men, standing outside of a house. He knows them, says hello. We go inside, its a birthday celebration. Funny thing is, there are no women.
I walk past the living room/TV room and I see this young man, slouched on the couch, just looking at the TV with a beer in his hand. I go towards the TV…and what I see looks REALLY weird.
My mind starts to focus. I start to ensemble the picture. It was a porn movie with short, random scenes. Typical 90’s porn movie, but no story- Just scenes of hardcore sex.
Well, I saw every type of porn scene you could imagine in under 15 minutes.
What struck me (to this day) was the look in the eyes of the women being pleasured, it has haunted me for decades. I have chased that look ever since.
Well, I started fapping at age 11.
From there it has been a downward spiral into suffering and bitterness.
I lost interest in science, electronics, math etc. I became mischievous and reckless.
My view of girls changed (to sex objects), thus girls sensed this, and I was being shunned by them. Even sweet, caring and pretty girls did not dare approach me, my vibe was bad. I turned into Smeagol, fapping was my precious.
I actually slept with other boys, till I hit puberty. I wanted to do what I saw in the movies. I was young and cute, it was easy for me to approach kids my age and younger. Im not proud of it, I carry it in my heart to this day.
By the time I hit 15 I was a mess. Due to zinc depletion (from over fapping) I developed severe acne. I went from good looking young kid to pizza face.
My acne cleared up 10 years later. My entire teens and early 20’s consisted of being a freak, getting weird looks on peoples faces when they saw me and the look of pity and compassion by girls.
Oh, I dropped out of school at age 16. I started to work as a mail room clerk and later studied IT on the job.
Well, at the age of 24 (my first GF!) I fall madly in love with a girl who truly cared and loved me. She helped me develop a sense of manhood and confidence.
Well, I FKD that relationship up due to my sex addiction. We hardly went out, all I could think of was having sex. She went along because she really loved me, and I loved her, but my love was corrupted by my senses. We had sex several times a day, we went to Motels, we had sex in the car, even at her house and mine.
I received a lucrative job offer from overseas and, due to the distance, she broke up with me. I was devastated. I cried like a little boy for weeks. I cried at work, on the bus, metro and in my room back home.
I still have a hole in my inner being due to the break up. I fked up and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Well, I have concentrated on my IT career, but I am a mere shadow of who I sued to be.
My memory sucks, I can hardly calculate the change the checkout chick has to give me and I have lost the desire to be “the best you can be”. I get paid really well, but I rely on the shortage of IT professionals and my qualifications.
Well, it has been 2 weeks since I started hard mode. I feel much lighter, happier, productive and at peace.
If you are young and you read this, let me tell ya straight:
I was 11 when I started fapping, and to me, its like it was yesterday. I missed out on SO MUCH due to my fapping addiction and later, porn addiction. I missed out, big time. I could cry right now just to think about it.
And guess what? Im 34. 23 years of fapping!
Look dudes, if youre young: CHANGE NOW.
Time flies, and before you know it, you’ll crush your spirit, heart and mind with porn and masturbation. It did to me. And then, you are suddenly 34. Yes, time flies.
Stay strong fellas. Everyday is a victory.